Appa

Reading one of Paul's recent blogs got me to think about my dad. He has been in Korea for I think a little over 4 months now. Things has always been bad for him I guess. Overhearing my mom and sister talking, I am truly sorry for him that he still hasn't changed in Korea.

I realized that I always try to avoid thinking or talking about him. I can't remember when he became such a bitter subject to me. What a bad daughter right? I'm not trying to pour out/vent everything that has happened thus far. Maybe I'm just overly emotional (which is rare) at this very moment. I feel like a mess when I want to talk about my dad. He and I used to be so close when I was little. Mom says that I would take care of him when he got drunk, like taking off his socks and his tie. I would kiss him on the cheek all the time. I was mostly on his side when my parents argued about something (and this I would think it in my head, not speak out when they're arguing). I don't want to blame how the relationship between my dad and I got messed up entirely on my adolescence. I blame him also.


I have so much to say and I WANT to let it all out but I don't. can't. won't...?
I feel like I can't even freely talk to my mom about him.
I wish my dad became a Christian.
I hate myself for giving up praying to God about it.
I actually don't pray anymore, yet I know He's the only person I can freely talk to without being judged. So why can't I do it?