shayan
chrissey
paul
lauren's dad
heejung
josh
subin
shubham
gus
austin
caitlin
taehee
grace
casey
hannah

:all the people i ran into today
it's funny you see so many people you know when you look like crap~

san fransisco tomorrow :-)
i'm excited since i've never been up there
yayyyyyyyy
i hope we have a safe drive up there with the rain and everything... i dunno how long the drive is gonna be GAH

btw i had the weirdest dream last night. it consisted of me almost drowning and seeing dead/hanged people (by chains) in the pool..yea dunno what that means!! woke up gasping for air :-OOOOO
i hope this doesnt mean something bad is gonna happen ????

happy easter
i love you God!

i don't like where this is going!
if you act like you care
then i'll care


caring is creepy!!!

i think i fell into that hole again.
fail

so..........life isn't too great these days.
tooooo many things going on. too many to worry about. and these aren't the petty little things that people would say 'oh psh, that's nothing.' i'm talking legit, deep, real talk here..i would usually go through this phase and say 'everything will be alright, it always is' but i can't say the same these days. i just can't wait til school is over. literally cannot wait. it's scary how much i hate school. i'll still try to enjoy last few months left and try to go to all the school activities...but it's really stupid/naive of me to forget about the problem and laugh/joke around at school when friends make me laugh. approximately 2 seconds later laughing, i'm thinking to myself 'i really shouldn't be laughing. my ass is at stake.' HOW did it come this far, i don't know. i blame senioritis; it really is because of senioritis. i don't take life seriously and it's biting me in the butt. family, the living situation, school, future, my faith, money..i need help
it's been rough past few months

EASE THE PAIN GOD and PLEASE help my mom. and especially my dad. no changes ???????????

i need to start praying more. sigh

i'm actually gonna try now.
:] we can get through this.
no more wishy-washyness/laziness

couple things,

• i tried tumblr...it' confusing
• i feel so drained/empty these days
• my sister came home from korea to stay for 2 weeks :) yay
• essay for short fiction class is due in about 6.5 hrs. SCREWED
• i've been so tired these days. barely no sleep=sad stella
• sometimes i feel so secluded from my group of friends from school. they're indeed very hard to get close to.
• i am a terrible terrible student. ok grades but horrible student. senioritis is literally destroying me GAHHHH

kairos: "God's time"

kairos was a bit disappointing. it was still great but not as amazing as everyone said it would be. so there are 5 kairos groups and i went on the 3rd one. people that went on 1st and 2nd one said it was life changing and simply amazing. i dont like to get my hopes up or expect too much in anything because well, i dont like to be disappointed. but maybe deep inside i was really really excited for it because everyone hyped it up so much. the "kairos secrets" were cool and i cried (just like everyone said EVERYONE cries at kairos) at some parts. but they weren't enough to make this once in a lifetime experience unforgettable. i mean, i can come back with alumni to lead it if i want to but then i dont want to do that. sigh, i dont know. i heard that our kairos group was the worst, in terms of people not really opening up with their small group, not getting emocional, but taking things really lightly and almost fooling around. like we were almost forced to go up and share our opinions whereas other kairos group people volunteered to go up, shared their thoughts sincerely, shed some tear, etc. it was a lot more religious than i thought it would be. i know the retreat is about spending time with God but the whole Catholic religion and the rules suffocates me. some of the personal talks felt like lectures..i've been dealing with religion classes since 6th grade and i guess it never hits me because i'm a Christian. it's soooo much better. it was still good and i had a lot of fun, relaxing time getting to know people better, some i've known since middle school but made friends with.

so i have no idea why i'm updating this right now i have SO much work to do
i dont think i've had this much stuff to do all in one night before..
procrastination is horrrrrible and 8 days of missing school doesn't help either
oh no oh no oh nooooooooooooooo
senioritis is freaking scary, not even kidding.
is it bad to wish for a weekend this early ???

and this thought popped up in my head just now, why do (almost) all the guys i start to form interest in are either gay or taken ?

hahahahahahah ..haha

...or we just stop talking

just makes me curious. i need a buddy to talk about boys

nothing serious though so phew! as i said before i'm so good at getting over situations

love how

nothing works out these days
"God will never give you more than you can handle"

ughhhhhhhhhhhh


and i love how you cant do anything without money. NOTHING in my case

힘들다 힘들어

hopefully this phase passes soon
anyway, kairos is tomorrow ...perfect time to get away and ponder upon my hectic life lol
i'll be back friday guys, don't miss me too much k :]

it's pretty scary

how fast i get over things, well metaphorically.
it's like i was never mad, worried, or had those crazy butterflies in my stomach.
i get over it just like that. like at a snap of a finger

honestly what the heck is wrong with me

................time for me to go crawl under a rock and stay there for awhile

good bye friends contact me via phone

people i care about are going through some tough shiet
and they're all happening at the same time.
so much is going on, i get overwhelmed; i consider their problem like they're mine and i get all hyped up haha. now that i think about it, it feels nice that they come to me to vent but you can only console them for so long...you eventually run out of things to say. i'm not talking about fake advices that mean nothing. how do i make them feel better? i can't stand them being sad all the freaking time


this makes me forget (temporarily) about my own problems. so i guess that's kinda good

few things that came to realization past couple of days:

i bite my nails a LOT during testing..........sick

i like listening to fob music in the car when it's raining (?)

my right shoulder/back area has gotten worseeee

i'm tired of being the bridge for people!!...

rain

is growing on me :-)

Today,

this one cute, outgoing sophomore girl from my school passed away from some rare cancer...Life is way too short

this one mexican kid got arrested trying to steal a bottle of cologne from hollister. we have a new LP guy named travis. hes this big white guy walking around the store acting like a regular customer and then catches shoplifters. anyway, this kid got brought back of the store and i was in the back pulling USR items to put them out on the salesfloor. he said his name was mario lopez 17 from panorama city, no ID of any kind. he had a brand new itouch still in the case, and ~$50 (claiming that theyre his friend's). 2 hrs later, two cops came in and handcuffed the kid. and they found a school ID and turns out his name is actually Graciel, 18. he also lied about his address and phone number straigh out of his ass. he ended up going to the station because he wasnt a juvenile. the end

mah hood

i took these few weeks ago; i havent used my camera in awhile and the weather was PERFECT. i love love love perfect skies

i'll be sad when/if we really move :(

(+)

this is my good friend eric looking quite happy to see his new rebel xsi.. a group of us got it for him for his birthday last year. i want to steal it everytime i see it.. i cant be the photographer everytime we hang out anymore. i cry inside when i have to give it back. i'm gonna work hard to get this in my hands soon...soon THIS YEAR?!
rebel xsi ~$800

i've been "promising" my 3 childhood friends (2 in canada) that i'll visit korea like the past 8-9 years. i told my mom that i'm going no matter what after graduation. SUMMER AFTER HS CMON i feel like i HAVE to go because i 큰소리 뻥뻥쳐 to everyone that we'll meet up finally...
roundtrip to korea ~$1200?

my group of friends have been going to Coachella the past 3 years. i have not.
Coachella for 3days ~$300

my verizon contract isnt over for another year but...
iPhone ~$200?


this is so depressing

lol

Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one


I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me


One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire


I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me


oh i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
i'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...


EDIT----------------------------------

before the midnight service, i was with ellie and we had the best time talking about our future husbands lol i never really thought about it after 'what my ideal boyfriend would be like' back in 1st grade because i mean who would at this age? it's weird enough that we were talking about this so enthusiastically and wanting to get married already LOL. so this is what i came up with,
someone that can:
make me laugh, cook because i cant, knows how to clean lol because i saw one of my gooyuk ahjussi clean with the wife after a dinner party the other night and it was SO NICE, someone christian, loves kids&dogs, tall not scrawny because i would feel fat, patient, understanding, and someone who would sing for me once in a while LOL because it's the best.. and thats all i remember.

ellie legitimately wants to marry minho from SHINee. someone tall, has deep voice, good at soccer because thats her favorite sport lol, etc i cant remember the details. or she wants to marry a doctor. she also said she wants to marry someone like her dad. i thought that's the cutest thing ever


just a bunch of silly girls living in a fantasy~