Passed the "Akward Stage"

More and more these days I realize that I turn away from my problems. I just act like I'm fine when really, I'm not. Setting them aside to deal with them later. Letting all the emotions build up inside which only means I'll explode someday. I pray to God that that day never comes. Why do I sound so depressed? I'm not sad at all...I don't think?

I feel numb and like I have no other choice but to fake my emotions. It's not like I'm pretending to seem happy to see someone. Those are real. But just my outer appearance. Or the way I think. I don't know, I'm just rambling on and on -_- Who would understand what I'm saying when I don't even know what I'm talking about? No one shall ever know.

I wish I tried hard in school. BUT it's all over. I think it's just the way I am, even as a youngin back in Korea I was not the best student. When it comes to academics, I envy my older sister.

This is gonna sound freaky, but I thought a lot about dying. Times are hard, yeah yeah. But everytime I think that, I feel like it's not fair to my little brother. and my mom. and I guess to myself also. I want to see where I end up, I want to get married, have cute little babies (this is one of the few things I look foward to ..because I LOVE babies), and feel, be loved. Awk..

Couple days ago, I scratched the corner of my bumper, leaving ugly yellow scratches on the white paint. My mom found out the next day of course..I'm surprised she didn't go crazy. Honestly, I'm so thankful for my mom everyday. LOL not just because she didn't get too mad, but because she is such a great mom to me and my brother.


**EDIT**
Must see:

• Where the Wild Things Are
• 500 Days of Summer
• The Proposal
• Ponyo