Passed the "Akward Stage"

More and more these days I realize that I turn away from my problems. I just act like I'm fine when really, I'm not. Setting them aside to deal with them later. Letting all the emotions build up inside which only means I'll explode someday. I pray to God that that day never comes. Why do I sound so depressed? I'm not sad at all...I don't think?

I feel numb and like I have no other choice but to fake my emotions. It's not like I'm pretending to seem happy to see someone. Those are real. But just my outer appearance. Or the way I think. I don't know, I'm just rambling on and on -_- Who would understand what I'm saying when I don't even know what I'm talking about? No one shall ever know.

I wish I tried hard in school. BUT it's all over. I think it's just the way I am, even as a youngin back in Korea I was not the best student. When it comes to academics, I envy my older sister.

This is gonna sound freaky, but I thought a lot about dying. Times are hard, yeah yeah. But everytime I think that, I feel like it's not fair to my little brother. and my mom. and I guess to myself also. I want to see where I end up, I want to get married, have cute little babies (this is one of the few things I look foward to ..because I LOVE babies), and feel, be loved. Awk..

Couple days ago, I scratched the corner of my bumper, leaving ugly yellow scratches on the white paint. My mom found out the next day of course..I'm surprised she didn't go crazy. Honestly, I'm so thankful for my mom everyday. LOL not just because she didn't get too mad, but because she is such a great mom to me and my brother.


**EDIT**
Must see:

• Where the Wild Things Are
• 500 Days of Summer
• The Proposal
• Ponyo

Well,

I haven't updated in awhile because I feel like I have nothing specific or special enough to talk about. Instead I just read peoples' blogs once in awhile :-).

Very short outline? of the week..

Monday: No school

Tuesday: Seniors got out at 12:50

Wednesday: No school due to testing. Hung out with Edwin Rhyu. Work 6-10. Got yelled at by mom.

Thursday: Didn't go to school (hopefully I don't get called in)

Friday: Went to school thinking, "Yes, I get out at 12:50 with all the easy classes~" but no. Chaminade had yet ANOTHER emergency drill which made student get out at 3. Got deep-fried in the 91degrees weather. It may not seem that big of a deal, but getting out at 3 just sucks.
I drove to Lawrence to pick up my brother, went to the mall to pick up my-so-called-paycheck (btw I really have to get the direct deposit done, gah), went back home, made bro some food, and did stuff I forget while waiting for Eric to come pick me up to go to Olivia's and then to Universal Halloween Horror Night! I was freaking out because on the ride to Olivia's, Eric was telling me about Paranormal Activity scene by scene. I was actually hyperventilating and had to cover my ears and not look at Eric's face because he was mimicking Katie, who apparently smiled very creepily in the movie. Universal was not that bad, last year was so much scarier. Came home around 2am?

Saturday: Work 2-6. In-N-Out with Kevin. Dino's kickback with some HCo people. It was fun. Came home around 1.

Sunday: Church. Offic Depot. Costco. Work 4-8. Turned on my phone and 4 text msgs, one from Brandon reminding me that we need to do Spanish presentation that's due tomorrow. + 4 Bio reading notes, Unit Test, 3 Labs, Hamlet stuff, Calc stuff = ME FREAKING OUT

MONDAY: OVERWHELMING. I did the best I could... I'm glad today is over. Work 4-8.
More stuff of course but I'm just glad today is over haha

Wow, this post can not get any more boring...

Appa

Reading one of Paul's recent blogs got me to think about my dad. He has been in Korea for I think a little over 4 months now. Things has always been bad for him I guess. Overhearing my mom and sister talking, I am truly sorry for him that he still hasn't changed in Korea.

I realized that I always try to avoid thinking or talking about him. I can't remember when he became such a bitter subject to me. What a bad daughter right? I'm not trying to pour out/vent everything that has happened thus far. Maybe I'm just overly emotional (which is rare) at this very moment. I feel like a mess when I want to talk about my dad. He and I used to be so close when I was little. Mom says that I would take care of him when he got drunk, like taking off his socks and his tie. I would kiss him on the cheek all the time. I was mostly on his side when my parents argued about something (and this I would think it in my head, not speak out when they're arguing). I don't want to blame how the relationship between my dad and I got messed up entirely on my adolescence. I blame him also.


I have so much to say and I WANT to let it all out but I don't. can't. won't...?
I feel like I can't even freely talk to my mom about him.
I wish my dad became a Christian.
I hate myself for giving up praying to God about it.
I actually don't pray anymore, yet I know He's the only person I can freely talk to without being judged. So why can't I do it?

Where the Wild Things Are

:-)

Love at First Sight

I saw THE cutest puppy at Pet World in ghetto Northridge mall today. I got to hold him and pet him for good 10 minutes. I couldn't resist his sleepy eyes, small (dry) button nose, long eyelashes, feather soft fur...My brother and I had the courage to ask how much this absolutely adorable Cockapoo was.....$1600. We didn't have hope to begin with since Pet World is annoyingly expensive- let's just say Scooter was very costly. The girl associate working there kept looking at me and the bro so I asked if she needs to put the puppy away. She said in a minute. Later, she asked if we have a parent with us, giving us the Oh-You're-In-Trouble look. I said I was 18 and she said Oh, I thought you were 16 or something. I was quite surprised since everyone thinks I'm older than I really am. (It's sad). Anyway, I think I found my hc dress. :-)

This picture does not do justice.

Off to study for the huge gov test. I NEED to do well...