bye bye 2009

during yet another attempt to clean out my room (desk, drawer, closet, etc) i found and realized few things.

i found a 3 page letter i wrote back in 07 to my best childhood girlfriend who now lives in canada. i wrote it, but never actually sent it...probably because i didnt know her current address lol (i still dont know). so i read over it and i'm thinking to myself: 'WHY did i write all this? good thing this was never sent' if she read it, she probably wouldnt have known what to say. lol oh so naive of me

i found about hundred receipts. WHY did i keep every single receipt? i think i just tossed them straight into my drawer. theyre all like starbucks, galleria, chipotle, jamba juice..
i also found so many of hollister printouts of me clocking in&out.

then i found few pics and i'm thinking 'WHY did i do my makeup that way?' .....

i also have some freaking weird clothes in my closet
which reminds me, i seriously need new clothes like shirts and jackets.
i noticed i have a lot of jeans and sneakers and like 2 tees ...

and THEN i found my old paintings and sketches i did back in 01-02 when i took art classes at KANG AE-JA by marie callender's LOL i remember my sister and i would always make fun of her name.
looking at the drawings and sketches, i'm like 'WHY did i suck so badly?' i laughed at myself
Which reminds me, i still need to do finals painting ..

there were stuff like barnabas books from retreats (SO FUNNY) and few more interesting things but i'm just gonna leave em.
'
tomorrow is the last day of the decade! !!!!!!

i don't think i've ever spent my paycheck that fast before. 2 weeks of hard work paid off though. i love spending money on people i love. haha
now i'm broke and can't wait til next paycheck...........

after i dropped off shayan's christmas present, i was telling my mom about how he really likes this one girl and how it's so cute etc etc etc and my mom goes "why aren't boys asking YOU out?!?" i laughed

Christmas was great just spent it with my mom and little bro.. Avatar was really good but not AMAZING like how everyone described (except 1 person being dbyun).
saw bit of Sherlock Holmes ...robert downey jr always looks so cool in movies. just his roles as a hero makes me fall in love :) i can't wait to see iron man 2

1 more week til school starts again ...and i'm really dreading it.
2009 definitely had more downs then ups heh hopefully 2010 will be better.

the word "abandon"

scares me
버리다
ie. 우릴 버렸다

i never thought of the situation that way but i guess it's the truth.
but the sad thing is that i really don't mind.
i'll miss you someday
SOMEday
but not now.
i'm actually glad


i remember at one ce winter conference, i dont remember who the guest speaker/pastor was (he was from some other church), but during the prayer he came up to me and after he prayed for me he specifically said "He wants me to let you know that when everyone else leaves you, He will never ever leave you. He will never abandon you" and that kinda hit me hard and i didnt understand why then. i could've thought 'he probably says that to everyone' but it was different. well i think i kinda get it now with everything that has happened this year.

-----------------------

on a brighter note,
it's christmas eve!!!

i'll have work and then i dunno what will happen because my mom and i thought the church christmas performance would be on xmas eve but it was actually today/yesterday. so i ended up missing it and worked 430-1230am-____- so unbelievably tired right now. we basically planned out the next few days around that but now i dont know. maybe i'll take us out on sushi..and go to the GROVE!! even though we planned to go there ON christmas day. or maybe watch AVATAR!! although my mom doesnt want to see that ..hmmm i guess whatever we do we'll make it fun and special. i freaking love my mom

-----------------------

i cant wait til kairos
!!!

the Naked Kitchen

it was a cute, mellow movie... but why do almost all korean movies and drama have good stories but really bad endings?

so i deleted the picture/post of goo hara because i sounded way too obsessed and i'm honestly not...? i dunno lol

anyway.....

God really does work in mysterious ways.
my prayer got answered and it was SO unexpected
i love how He picks you up when you hit rock bottom (or you feel like you hit rock bottom).
when i was going through some tough stuff, He came to me.
Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!

i never really believed when people said this
He works in mysterious ways....it's true:)

googled bodyaches and pains

"Many of these aches come about because you have not been taking care of your body as well as you should
Taking care of yourself involves treating and caring for your body as if your body was that of your own child's. You watch that you eat well, nutritiously (no canned, super preserved with chemicals, super salty or sweet foods). Try to cook your foods daily ( no prepackaged stuff like mac and cheese -isn't cheese supposed to be in the fridge??? if it's not like cheezits then there's some chemical in it).

Make sure you sleep before 11 or 12. The organs needs its time to repair at night. Some people have so much work to do they stay up late much too often for their own good. When you don't get the rest you need, your body gets tighter and tighter causing muscle restriction and cutting off the circulation. Then you will have areas of poor circulation and tender spots.
Not just that, you have to make sure you drink enough water. Not coffee or soda but water. You are made up of mostly water. Imagine have dried up joints and tissue? There is no buoyancy to your soft tissues if there is not enough liquid in your diet.

You have to move...exercise...walk...you can't just sit all day. Your muscles hold up your bones. If you sit most of the day you will become weak and stiff. Then the muscles will not support your bones and joints and they will start to rub and wear down and hurt.

If you live like the American Indians, eating off the land, working in the garden and hunting and gathering, taking care of each other, then you will be better off. We live in a complex society. Too much fast food,,,,too fast paced...not enough time...

Stress can cause tension in muscles. Stress on the bodies can make you hurt. Please try meditation, deep breathing, imagery. They can all change how your body is keeping the stress in your body.

Stress is a killer. If you are worried about your family, about money, or about your life all the time, you're going to hurt yourself by breaking down your body. It's not worth it in the end.

For those who has been taking care of themselves, aches all of the body and numbness and tingling may be caused by a virus that decided to attack your nervous system. Viruses are tough to figure out.
Try to stay away from foods that are not cooked and prepared outside your home like raw oysters and clams and salads. You never know if bacteria or viruses are lurking or if the person separating the lettuce leaves washed their hands after peeing.

Don't stock up on vitamins. One multi is enough. Get the nutrients from foods. If you don't know how to prepare vegetables and lean meat look it up. Delicious recipes are everywhere. You need to take the time out to do that. Back in the day, no one had these symptoms. People are too stressed out nowadays about everything and tend to push their bodies to the limit. It's like a car, you need to tune it up all the time, check the oil, wash it, drive it around ( don't let it sit in the driveway), etc.

I hope this helps. If you need more guidance please see professional medical help. You can try all kinds of wellness avenues like acupuncture, acupressure, myofascial release, reiki, physical therapy, meditation practice, etc... "


i'm in painnnnnnnnnnnnnn and my body is tingly
i feel like a halmunee

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♥

we turned on the heat right now because the cold is just unbearable. i freaking HATE the cold weather. gaawrrrrghh
but i LOVE LOVE LOVE christmas season

rain is okay only when i'm at home in bed
snow is great
sun is the greatest
wind is the worst

i've been listening to KOST 103.5 a lot...holiday music makes me happy

my favorite 2:

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Last Christmas (I Gave You My Heart)

hehehe♥

dream machine

i keep having bad dreams.

lovey dovey & heartwarming

movies that i recommend =)

korean movies:

for christmas season ♥

my stomach has been hurting soo much lately. it's like sharp pangs of pain right under my rib cage. i've always had stomach pains and weird bacterias eating away my stomach, haha, but that was many years ago. my mom thinks it came back or somthing and now i'm starting to freak out. she says i have to drink milk, but i don't like milk unless it's with Special K. hmm.

i'm working on black friday and i can already smell one hell of a swap meet..crazy crazy people. i'll be working 430-11pm if anyone would like to visit me....that'd be great.

i love thanksgiving food. i was looking foward to going to my gooyuk person's house for some major feast but they're not having one this year. well considering it's only me, my mom, and jay in the house, it will be a day just like any other. this is like the only time when i wish my relatives lived here also hahah. it's not so much about the food, well okay the food is pretty dang important, but it's all about being with family and appreciating what ya got. well i'd still like to be with family AND lots of food. turkey, mashed potato, pumpkin pie, and cranberry sauce. i just thought of the movie, Happy Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown. charlie and snoopy are having friends over for thanksgiving dinner but they couldn't cook legit food so snoopy made popcorn and toast, haha. i feel like that would happen to my family-_-

anyway, hooray for thanksgiving break!!

Clueless

i seriously don't know what to do...
what's the best option for me?
who knows what's best for me?
what to do what to do

i'm thinking too much (?) after reading an email from my sister.
i miss her_

The future freaks me out

narcolepsy

i've been going to bed fairly early since school started. by midnight i feel like i'm gonna pass out..i used to stay up til 3 regularly. [it's the old ageeeee.] today: i almost fell asleep driving home. and i fell asleep when i was painting during art class. i messed up couple times. and i fell asleep taking notes during gov. but i always wake up 3 seconds later. it's not like i fall asleep and keep sleeping... and once i fell asleep eating soup. does starbucks double shot really work

haha

i think i'm lonely. it's definitely not the i-need-a-boyfriend-i'm-desperate kind of loneliness. i feel like there is something missing. there's like a big gush of wind in my heart as emo as that sounds. maybe it's my sister and my dad being gone, maybe it's God. maybe it's the change of season. maybe it's my longing for true friends. not that there's any problem or drama. but i feel like i need to be around people; i've been independent and distant for so long. i want to sit down and have heart to heart conversations

Can't Wait

I can't wait til February 16th.

Kairos feb 16~19

Something extraordinary.

& I can't wait til Christmas season ♥

Last night, because I was slightly sick of listening to Edwin's "Brotherhood & Gangsta mixes" on replay <--I burnt a new fob CD for the car. I almost fell asleep while it was burning but I made SURE to put in enough songs so it wouldn't go over the 80 min limit and not work again.
So this morning while I was getting ready for school, I put in the CD into my stereo and what do you know...it didn't work once again. I think I wasted about ~8 blank cds altogether past 2 months. SO FRUSTRATING. This made me upset but I soon got over it after few minutes.

I had US GOPO first- We only had to discuss 1 bill so we had an hour of free time. Oliver wasn't there..I slept.

and then I had Art..I really don't like this class. It's supposed to be my favorite class but Carol Salak is ...mean and unpleasant. I've come to realization that acrylic painting is not my thing. Last year, I went into Nela Steric's art class thinking I hate watercolor but I came out of her class loving it..this year is the opposite :(

Lastly, I had pastoral ministry. This class is so relaxing because we get to sit on the couches and pray, talk, do nothing. 3 girls in my class brought 3 batches of baked goods just because they felt like baking yesterday. Cupcakes & brownies + empty stomach = me :-)

I could've left at 12:50 like all the other seniors but I stayed and went to AP Bio review 1:30-3. Hopefully good results will come out of this although she only went over the old chapters and the other 50% is on the new chapters... I want to say that taking ap bio was the biggest mistake I made this year.

Some guys in my grade found 2 puppies at the park by my school this morning. I played with one of them before going to the review....one of the CUTEST puppy I've ever seen! I wanted to take him home so badly !! Scooter needs a friend

I need a new job new job new job new job new job JEW NOB

I love,

I love watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model.
I love catching up with my mom on the stairs infront of my house.
I love feeling warm sunshines on my back.
I love staying in comfortable pajamas during the day.
I love getting random texts from people.
I love cuddling with my dog!
I love babies. I love Lorenzo.
I love seeing my brother get excited to hear ice cream trucks.
I love Saturdays.

Suddenly upset

..Are you kidding me
I don't know if this is making me want to just give up more than ever
or start trying my hardest.
I shouldn't have looked. A surprise that should've remained a secret
or is it better that I know this?
미안해

I don't know why it hurts my pride. My heart stings a little. It really shouldn't but it makes me want to cry. This whole situation just might bring tears to my eyes. Why must there be hardships? We all go through tough times. But I wish we didn't have to.

That reminds me, when have I been truly happy? and when was she truly happy?

Lemonade - Passion

Forgot all about Passion ..

Party in the USA

Today I realized I went to a party every saturday in the month of October. It's been fun but this has got to stop...

Okay, this upcoming saturday is an exception but after that, i'll die down.

Hmm

School was surprisingly not that bad, considering Moping Monday. Watched a clip of Hamlet in tragic hero. Everyone was talking about the crazy Halloween party blah blah, HAHA 2 kids asked me if I really passed out...No I didn't? Funny how words go around and change little by little. or rather drastically. Daylight saving makes me feel kind of gloomy because the day ends so soon. BUUT I am LOVING the warm weather.. it has been so sunny, perfect, beautiful.

Random -I never look at the mirror in the car but today, I did while waiting for Jaewon to come out afterschool. I could only see my eyes in the mirror because it was placed weirdly (not the rearview or sideview but the actual mirror lol?), and I know this is random but I was quite amazed for that split second, I look EXACTLY the same from when I was little- same old eyes !! People's faces change as they get older but I haven't changed at all...I don't know, I was really surprised haha.

I want to quit Hollister and move onto bigger and better things....like Petworld :-) ha !! no but really, I need a new job that will pay me more than $220 a month because I have to pay my own tuition now.. and HCo certainly doesn't allow me to do this. I am so sick of that place: inconsistent managers, horrible pay, not enough hours, dramaful co-workers, ghetto customers, shoplifters, people that let their kids cry (more like screech) while they just shop, and nasty dust flying everywhere. Okay, now I'm just complaining...I'll stop

SO excited for Thanksgiving dinner at my friend Hannah's house! It's either before the actual day or after.. but her mom has mad cooking skills because she's a caterer? a cook? I don't know but omg Abi's cooking mm mm mmm

Miyazaki films to see:

• Ponyo
• Kiki's Delivery Service
• Howl's Moving Castle
• Castle in the Sky
• Spirited Away !

Veteran's Day next Wednesday = no school !

Passed the "Akward Stage"

More and more these days I realize that I turn away from my problems. I just act like I'm fine when really, I'm not. Setting them aside to deal with them later. Letting all the emotions build up inside which only means I'll explode someday. I pray to God that that day never comes. Why do I sound so depressed? I'm not sad at all...I don't think?

I feel numb and like I have no other choice but to fake my emotions. It's not like I'm pretending to seem happy to see someone. Those are real. But just my outer appearance. Or the way I think. I don't know, I'm just rambling on and on -_- Who would understand what I'm saying when I don't even know what I'm talking about? No one shall ever know.

I wish I tried hard in school. BUT it's all over. I think it's just the way I am, even as a youngin back in Korea I was not the best student. When it comes to academics, I envy my older sister.

This is gonna sound freaky, but I thought a lot about dying. Times are hard, yeah yeah. But everytime I think that, I feel like it's not fair to my little brother. and my mom. and I guess to myself also. I want to see where I end up, I want to get married, have cute little babies (this is one of the few things I look foward to ..because I LOVE babies), and feel, be loved. Awk..

Couple days ago, I scratched the corner of my bumper, leaving ugly yellow scratches on the white paint. My mom found out the next day of course..I'm surprised she didn't go crazy. Honestly, I'm so thankful for my mom everyday. LOL not just because she didn't get too mad, but because she is such a great mom to me and my brother.


**EDIT**
Must see:

• Where the Wild Things Are
• 500 Days of Summer
• The Proposal
• Ponyo

Well,

I haven't updated in awhile because I feel like I have nothing specific or special enough to talk about. Instead I just read peoples' blogs once in awhile :-).

Very short outline? of the week..

Monday: No school

Tuesday: Seniors got out at 12:50

Wednesday: No school due to testing. Hung out with Edwin Rhyu. Work 6-10. Got yelled at by mom.

Thursday: Didn't go to school (hopefully I don't get called in)

Friday: Went to school thinking, "Yes, I get out at 12:50 with all the easy classes~" but no. Chaminade had yet ANOTHER emergency drill which made student get out at 3. Got deep-fried in the 91degrees weather. It may not seem that big of a deal, but getting out at 3 just sucks.
I drove to Lawrence to pick up my brother, went to the mall to pick up my-so-called-paycheck (btw I really have to get the direct deposit done, gah), went back home, made bro some food, and did stuff I forget while waiting for Eric to come pick me up to go to Olivia's and then to Universal Halloween Horror Night! I was freaking out because on the ride to Olivia's, Eric was telling me about Paranormal Activity scene by scene. I was actually hyperventilating and had to cover my ears and not look at Eric's face because he was mimicking Katie, who apparently smiled very creepily in the movie. Universal was not that bad, last year was so much scarier. Came home around 2am?

Saturday: Work 2-6. In-N-Out with Kevin. Dino's kickback with some HCo people. It was fun. Came home around 1.

Sunday: Church. Offic Depot. Costco. Work 4-8. Turned on my phone and 4 text msgs, one from Brandon reminding me that we need to do Spanish presentation that's due tomorrow. + 4 Bio reading notes, Unit Test, 3 Labs, Hamlet stuff, Calc stuff = ME FREAKING OUT

MONDAY: OVERWHELMING. I did the best I could... I'm glad today is over. Work 4-8.
More stuff of course but I'm just glad today is over haha

Wow, this post can not get any more boring...

Appa

Reading one of Paul's recent blogs got me to think about my dad. He has been in Korea for I think a little over 4 months now. Things has always been bad for him I guess. Overhearing my mom and sister talking, I am truly sorry for him that he still hasn't changed in Korea.

I realized that I always try to avoid thinking or talking about him. I can't remember when he became such a bitter subject to me. What a bad daughter right? I'm not trying to pour out/vent everything that has happened thus far. Maybe I'm just overly emotional (which is rare) at this very moment. I feel like a mess when I want to talk about my dad. He and I used to be so close when I was little. Mom says that I would take care of him when he got drunk, like taking off his socks and his tie. I would kiss him on the cheek all the time. I was mostly on his side when my parents argued about something (and this I would think it in my head, not speak out when they're arguing). I don't want to blame how the relationship between my dad and I got messed up entirely on my adolescence. I blame him also.


I have so much to say and I WANT to let it all out but I don't. can't. won't...?
I feel like I can't even freely talk to my mom about him.
I wish my dad became a Christian.
I hate myself for giving up praying to God about it.
I actually don't pray anymore, yet I know He's the only person I can freely talk to without being judged. So why can't I do it?

Where the Wild Things Are

:-)

Love at First Sight

I saw THE cutest puppy at Pet World in ghetto Northridge mall today. I got to hold him and pet him for good 10 minutes. I couldn't resist his sleepy eyes, small (dry) button nose, long eyelashes, feather soft fur...My brother and I had the courage to ask how much this absolutely adorable Cockapoo was.....$1600. We didn't have hope to begin with since Pet World is annoyingly expensive- let's just say Scooter was very costly. The girl associate working there kept looking at me and the bro so I asked if she needs to put the puppy away. She said in a minute. Later, she asked if we have a parent with us, giving us the Oh-You're-In-Trouble look. I said I was 18 and she said Oh, I thought you were 16 or something. I was quite surprised since everyone thinks I'm older than I really am. (It's sad). Anyway, I think I found my hc dress. :-)

This picture does not do justice.

Off to study for the huge gov test. I NEED to do well...

Happy 2nd Birthday

Scooter!!!



When he was a youngin

Now a lazy old dog. who doesn't like other dogs.

You are the best dog anyone could ever ask for :-)

I love you so so so much

Sorry for all the times I kick/step on you when I get off the chair.

I promise to get you a yummy bone for your present...when I get paid.

LOL ^

School was okay. Actually the rally was fun so it was more than okay. But all the work...and tests tomorrow...

I will once again stress about everything tonight. and get nothing done

What happened to me? I used to be so positive.. and productive.

Today, my art teacher didn't put my painting on the wall. It was a weird feeling.

Last year's teacher loved me. I think this one doesn't like me at all. Nope

Tomorrow's theme is Tacky Tourist Day.

I wish I had Photoshop 7.0 again

1st the Worst

I just got a call from work. (Ringtone: Pretty Young Thing - MJ)
Clicked the "Quiet" button
There is a voicemail from Cat saying if I want to come in 5-10. Usually I'd be all over this but if I have to go in tonight again I might die from exhaustion ...plus I need to go pick my mom up later, I don't want her to walk home.....and have her kill me later not really

-->I ditched my first period today<-- I didn't memorize Calmame Senor prayer nor study for Preterito/Imperfecto Test. I did my Calc homework in the car listening (and laughing; I never knew I could be so entertained) to Ryan Seacrest, Kristin Cavallari, and Brody Jenner on Kiisfm blabbing about the new season of the Hills that's on tonight. Btw I was in the DollarTree plaza parking lot by Fallbrook. Turns out that my spanish teacher postponed the test and prayer to next class......

I almost hit 3 people backing out of the parking spot today. They were like "Whoa whoa whoaa"
I felt bad. So I hurried away almost hitting another kid/car. (another "whoa")
So0 I guess I'm not such a good driver? ??? ??????


This Friday is our homcoming game. against Canyon. We're screwed. <3